American Thanksgiving is coming up this week, a day that brings the warmth of tradition and connection for some and stirs up apprehension for others—especially when being home for the holiday means sitting down with loved ones whose views feel at odds with your deepest values.
This year, the post-election climate might make this even more challenging, particularly when the divide goes beyond a mere difference of opinion and strikes at the heart of our moral convictions.
To say nothing of how difficult it is to have a meaningful conversation without a shared sense of reality. It’s easy to get flustered and frustrated when people we care about sound as if they’re living in a perpendicular universe. I’ve had my own equilibrium thrown out of whack more than once on account of such conversations, to the point of not wanting to have them at all.
But sometimes the people who insist on having these conversations are important to us and we can’t completely disengage from them without doing irreparable harm to the relationship. When that’s the case, here’s something I try to remember in order to elevate the conversation:
Imagine a river. When its waters are clear and flowing steadily, it nourishes everything around it. But when the current becomes turbulent, filled with mud and debris, it loses its life-giving clarity.
Conversations are like rivers: some are calm and constructive, while others swirl with anger, fear, and confusion.
In the yoga wisdom tradition, three types of discourse reflect this dynamic:
- vāda: This is the clear river—a civil, truth-seeking dialogue where mutual respect prevails.
- jalpa: The turbulent waters of argument, where the focus shifts to proving oneself right.
- vitaṇḍā: The stagnant, murky debate aimed solely at defeating others without regard for constructive engagement.
If you see a difficult or contentious conversation on your horizon, consider how you can steer the dialogue toward vāda; truth-seeking dialogue. Here are three qualities you can bring to the exchange that will contribute to its elevation and help you stay grounded:
- Humility: A willingness to reflect on your own personal motives; determination to respond respectfully to the person you’re in dialogue with; Avoidance of engagement in pointless ego-driven debate.
- Curiosity: A genuine interest in the other person’s motivations; a desire to understand why someone holds a contrary opinion, looking beneath the surface to unspoken assumptions and inquiring about them.
- Generosity: An assumption of good intentions; kindness, especially if pain or fear is a motivating factor in the other person’s position; sincerity in outreach.
If you sense that the conversation is veering off in the direction of jalpa or vitaṇḍā, step back and ask yourself: “Am I seeking connection and understanding, or am I slipping into defensiveness or futility? Am I speaking with someone who’s genuinely interested in a collaborative search for the truth or someone who just wants to win an argument?”
Even with the best intentions, some conversations are doomed to be an exercise in futility or may even be injurious if continued, so here’s something else I try to remember: It’s okay to protect your peace. If the voice of inner wisdom is telling you to pause or step away, do it. A walk outside or a few moments of silence or a round of mantra meditation can work wonders.
If engaging in meaningful dialogue is possible and aligns with your values, then proceed with patience and compassion. If setting boundaries serves your peace, honor that choice as well. Both are acts of courage and care.
Remember, you don’t have to fix every misunderstanding or bridge every divide in one meal. Focus on what’s within your control: your words, your actions, and your energy.
Wishing you peace, strength, and clarity,
– Hari-kirtana